You can do it!

Post divorce "stuff" can drive you crazy! On top of that having to go through an annulment can make matters worse. But remember – when you get the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!

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Divorce and Your Future

Divorce can be so painful that after it is over we can fall into the trap of always focusing on what we lost. When that happens we have to stop looking behind us and turn our heads to look at what is in front of us. Helen Keller said it best; “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

Family Support During Divorce

Family members can be a great support during and after divorce. They can also be a source of discomfort, disappointment and frustration. They may make a judgmental statement; give a look; ignore your feelings. Their responses can aggravate, disappoint, frustrate and sometimes drive you crazy. When these emotions well up inside of you, try to relax and be patient with them. Your family views your marriage from the prism of their vantage point – not yours. Also try to remember this line: Your family knows how to push your buttons because they installed them!

Prayer can be an "In Tents" experience

I clearly remember the day when I walked through the cloistered convent doors for the first time. It was September 8, 1965. I shed my ‘civilian’ clothes in exchange for a black dress, black stockings and black oxford shoes. There were fifteen of us doing the same thing that day. It was called “Entrance Day.” We robed ourselves in this simple dress. We then opened the large swinging doors – turned and said goodbye to our family, our past, and even our name. Then, that large, swinging door closed behind us and a new life began. For the next nine years, we prepared for the day when we would actually say ‘forever’ to this way of life. Up until that time we had been making yearly promises, but not final vows. The day would come when we had to make a decision as to whether we were ready to take that step. There was a popular book out that summer – it was called “Should anyone say forever? “ by Isaac Haughey. Whenever we had any free time, we found ourselves heading toward the resource library to read a section of the book to find out the answer. Should anyone really say forever to anything? All things in life seemed uncertain. Certainly ‘forever’ seemed like such an unknown territory to all of us. In preparation for this moment our formation director had an idea – and that alone always made us nervous. That idea was set in motion when nine of us set off for a trip to Mount Savior, which is a Benedictine monastery located near Elmira, New York. It was there that we gathered that last summer before final vows to see if we were really ready for this commitment. In preparation, we were to enter into an experience of solitude- on the mountain. After all, Jesus went up the mountain to pray before making a serious decision – and that is what we were going to do as well. So - we gathered at our little house which we rented from the monks and we were told to pick a mountain, take our gear, and set up a tent. Now – I don’t mean this figuratively – I mean this literally – we were actually told to pick a mountain ( we were surrounded by them), take our gear (the equipment needed to set up a tent), and spend the next 14 days in solitude contemplating the meaning of the word ‘forever’. So – off we went – on a pilgrimage – from mountain to mountain, helping each one set up their tent – praying with them – then, moving on, until we were each alone on our own mountain with the stars as our only companion, along with the strange creatures of the night, and, as Simon and Garfunkel often reminded us – alone with the ‘sound of silence ‘as our guide. There is a lot to be said about those next 14 days. We had our manual labor each day along with daily prayer with the monks. But the rest of the day was spent at our tent – alone – asking ourselves and our God if we were ready to say forever. Oh, there is so much to say about the experience. Some funny things happened that week – like wild dogs sniffing my tent and I stopped breathing for quite a while. Then, Sister John Baptist attacked a snake in the middle of the night. That poor sucker (the snake I mean) didn’t have a chance. But, if I learned anything during those 14 days I learned how to pray. Most often my prayers went like this: O my God I am heartily sorry O my God I am hardly sorry. O my God, what am I doing here? O my God, please help me O my God, who ate my shoes? O my God, what is that noise? O my God, please don’t let it rain O my God, I’m afraid of thunder In case you’re wondering, we all survived, and all of us (but one) made it to final vows – but only by the grace of God. And, that summer I learned how to pray. Certainly I had prayed before. As a child I learned how to pray. My Mom taught me the rosary, and when days were tough we would pray with her as we knelt together pleading to the Blessed Mother for enough money to pay the bills, for our dog Lucky who disappeared, and for the violence on our street to end. I learned all of the decades of the rosary from Mom. And, from Dad I learned that “singing is praying twice “as he and my sister and I would rehearse the hymns we would be singing in the church choir the following Sunday. Then, of course, the nuns taught me how to pray. We would recite our prayers every day in school. We learned the importance of memorizing prayers so that, when life became too difficult to even remember how to pray, the words could just flow from our lips as a rhythm of tenderness into the heart of God. These early rituals became a part of my life and formed within me a certainty that God cares about me, and that my prayers can reach God wherever God may be. Of course, entering the convent was like entering a school devoted to the art of learning to pray. Certainly prayer is truly an art, which only comes with practice and experience. This I learned in the convent, and in the chapters of my own life. Yes – I learned to pray from my parents, from the nuns who taught me, from my earlier days in the convent, and I learned how to pray in a tent on a mountain many years ago. I learned, and I continue to learn today, that God does not need to be told anything about what I need and want. My words in prayer are not for God’s instruction but my own. I learned, from reading the lives of the saints that there is no right or wrong way to pray – that we can each find our own way and that God does the rest. Thursday of this week is the World Day of Prayer. If the world needs anything today, it is certainly our prayer. The world seems to be slowly abandoning simple acts of kindness, as well as respectful tolerance for differing languages, cultures, beliefs and opinions. We need to beg for forgiveness and mercy. Maybe it’s time for all of us to find the tent of our own longing, on the mountain of our own place of solitude –and pray that in our place of work, in our place of worship, in our homes, in our churches and on our planet - that we be granted the grace of God's loving care. God knows we need it.

Prayer in good and bad times

Prayer is communicating with God. So we should talk with God and spill out our emotions to God. It can be very healing. The closer we get to God's heart, the more we understand how safe we are in God's care. We can let all our emotions out – those that feel good and those that do not feel so good. Whether we smile and laugh with God, or yell and scream to let out our emotions, we are completely safe. God comprehends our entire situation – from beginning to end – all the time loving us.

Be Gentle on Youself

Be kind and gentle on yourself. Going through a divorce is very painful on many levels. One of the harshest pains is the fear of other peoples’ judgments. The same can be said about going through a church annulment. What will people think? However don’t be harsh on yourself because of what other people may think. You lived the realities of your marriage and you alone know the truth behind what led to the divorce. Please don’t judge yourself harshly… Be gentle on yourself. God knows what is in your heart and loves you more than you can imagine.

Annulment vs. Divorce

A civil divorce is concerned with the division of assets and liabilities; and if there are minor children, the fulfillment of parental obligations. It is devoid of emotional healing. However the annulment process is centered on the emotional aspects of your marriage. It helps you realize why the previous marriage ended. So you become aware of how you need to change, or the type of partner you need to avoid. Hopefully, it enables you to define realistic expectations for a future marriage.

What is/was your annulment experience?

For many divorced individuals the annulment process is a difficult one. They find it invasive and overwhelming. For others, the process brings closure and healing. If you have applied for a church annulment, let us know your experience. Your anonymous responses to the survey on the link below can help tribunals deal compassionately with divorced women and men.

http://www.consentmakesmarriage.com/

Where should you apply for an annulment?

Every tribunal handles annulment cases differently. You may find some tribunals have policies that are easier for you than others. So before you actually begin the annulment process go to Google and search the diocesan websites applicable to you. Click on the diocesan Tribunal link. Normally, the local processes are outlined in the FAQ section.

The dioceses that have jurisdiction to process your case fall into four categories. They are the diocese: (1) where the wedding occurred; (2) where your ex-spouse is presently living; (3) where you are presently living; and, (4) where the majority of testimonies [i.e., yours, your ex-spouse and the witnesses] will be collected.

Do I need a specific reason to request an annulment?

A person's reason for seeking an annulment will not affect the outcome the case. The vast majority of divorced women and men requesting an annulment hope to remarry in the Catholic Church. Some people do so for "peace of conscience" reasons, with no immediate remarriage plans. Whatever the reason, every divorced person has the right in church law to make a petition. Why not make use of that right?

Is the Catholic Church judging me during the annulment process?

Some divorced individuals are uncomfortable approaching the Church for an annulment out of concern that the Church is judging them as individuals, or, because they went through a divorce. However the annulment process does not judge the person, or, the divorce. The annulment process is focused only on whether or not the sacrament of marriage happened on the wedding day. So please do not let a fear of judgment prevent you from applying for an annulment.

I'm engaged to a divorced non-Catholic ...

Does a non-Catholic, divorced man need a Catholic annulment? The answer is Yes.
The reason is the Catholic Church considers all weddings [with one or two exceptions] as legal in Catholic Church law.
So before a divorced non-Catholic person is free to marry again, a church annulment - or perhaps another legal process - is needed.

Book on Annulments and Spiritual Healing

When going through the annulment process it is easy to get bogged down in the formalities and requirements of church law. They can be an offputting obstacle for you. However, the annulment process can be used to your personal advantage. You can use it to gain a greater understanding of yourself. When done correctly, the annulment process can be an emotionally and spiritually healing one.

To help you with that we highly recommend the book: "Catholic Annulment – Spiritual Healing" by Dennis and Kay Flowers. You can find it on Amazon.com under the title or authors names.

Spiritual hope after divorce…

Going through a divorce can have a negative effect on a person's spirituality. It is natural to judge yourself and to be concerned about the judgments of others. But perhaps you even worry about or fear God's judgment of you.

But that fear is misplaced. God's love for you is ever present. God is not disappointed in you. God does not think less of you. God does not reject you in any way because of a divorce. Rather, it is during difficult times such as divorce that God's love for you is ever present. God is holding on to you – try to feel the embrace!

A person's childhood affects their marriage ...

The family situation within which a person grew up can have a profound affect on their choice of a marriage partner, or, their decision to marry. For example, if you, or someone you know, grew up in an alcoholic home, you may find Janet Woititz's book, "Adult Children of Alcoholics" very enlightening.

What keeps you from applying for an annulment?

There are many reasons divorced men and women hesitate applying for an annulment. Perhaps, the process is too overwhelming; fear it will affect the legitimacy of children; a resistance to relive the painful experience of the divorce; no desire to have anything to do with the ex-spouse. Every one of these hesitations – and others – is understandable. What are your hesitations? Let us help!

If my ex gets an annulment does that mean I get an annulment too?

The answer is, Yes.
When an annulment is granted it affects both parties. The granting of an annulment means neither one of you is considered husband and wife in the Church. You both have the status of "single" in the Church. So you are both free to remarry.

How much does an annulment cost?

The cost for an annulment varies from diocese to diocese. In a few dioceses there is no cost. In most dioceses it is approximately $400-$600. In a few dioceses it can be as high as $1000. However, whatever a person applying for an annulment is asked to pay is only part of the overall cost to process their case. Every diocese throughout the United States subsidizes its tribunal for the majority of its costs. So every case is in fact subsidized by the Church.
No one in any diocese is turned away for an inability to pay.

You Are Not Alone ...

If you are applying for an annulment or going through the annulment process you can feel very much alone. Often annulment petitions can go into a tribunal and you hear nothing for months the time. You may wonder, is anyone else going through this experience?

You may be surprised to know that in 2008 [the most recent year for these records] there were approximately 20,000 annulment petitions initiated in the United States. Since every petition involves both parties – and normally 3 to 5 witnesses – that means that there were anywhere from 100,000 - 140,000 people interacting with tribunals across the country.

So if you are feeling isolated and "in the dark," know that there are many other people asking the church to consider the annulment of their marriage is well. You are not alone!