Will I ever be able to forgive my ex-spouse?

Many people ask me: “Do I need to have any contact with my ex-spouse?” There are various reasons for this question. Many people applying for a church annulment would prefer not to have any contact with their former spouse. They may not have separated under the best of circumstances, and the less they have to do with their ex-spouse the better. The answer to the question is no, you do not have to have any contact with your ex-spouse. However, the tribunal will be asking you for an address of your ex-spouse so that he/she can be contacted and given an opportunity to respond. However, it is the tribunal that does the contacting, not you.

But, going back to the original question that often is asked: ‘Do I need to have contact with my ex-spouse.’ Many say, under their breath: ‘I never want to see, hear, or speak to him/her again. I never want to be in the same room with him/her again.’ It may take a long time before you can rest with the thought of ever seeing or hearing from your ex-spouse again, and even longer, before you enter into any spirit of forgiveness - which leads me to the question:

-Have you been able to forgive your ex-spouse?

Forgiveness is a very difficult action to perform. It is an interior action which involves many levels of emotions.

I just spent two months in Rwanda, a country that experienced the genocide of one million people, and the homelessness of two million people – one tribe slaughtering another. They now live side by side with one another – killer with survivor – learning how to forgive. I don’t know how it is done. But, if they can do it, Rwanda can become a nation that can be known for its radical forgiveness.

We certainly live in a world, desperately in need of learning how to forgive. We live in a violent world. Fear of terrorist attacks, racial tensions, and school shootings, fill our landscapes. We struggle with broken marriages, and broken relationships. Bishop Desmond Tutu, in a book entitled "No future without Forgiveness" describes a picture of three U.S. servicemen standing in front of the Vietnam memorial in Washington, D.C. One asks, “Have you forgiven those who held you prisoner of war?” ‘I will never forgive them,’ replies the other. His mate says, ‘Then, it is certain they still have you in prison, don’t they?’

Perhaps it is too soon for you to think about forgiveness. Or, perhaps you are busy working on how to even begin to forgive yourself. In either case, forgiveness is an important part of the healing process. If you can’t forgive, it will be difficult to take the next step, which is to begin the long process of healing.

In this annulment process, if you haven’t yet forgiven your ex-spouse, please begin to at least think about asking God to help you to begin this long, painful, yet rewarding journey of healing, which can only take place once forgiveness has been resolved within you.

Do you have stories of forgiveness that can be helpful? Please offer them as a way to help those dealing with this difficult part of the journey.