Rose Sweet offers this advice about what to tell the children - a question asked in this blog
I've been working as an Advocate for our Tribunal in the local diocese (Riverside San Bernardino CA) and think I can offer some insight to your question about how to talk to the kids.
1) You can't clearly tell the kids anything you don't understand yourself first. Do you really know what happened and understand how you got here? Not finger pointing. This may take a long time to figure out, and counseling. The adequate (digging very deeply and honestly) and thorough preparation of the Petition should be a way to gain some insight, too.
2) Each of your children has a different temperament that needs to be considered when you talk to them. Spiritual directors for centuries have advised a good understanding of the way people (little people too) think and respond to life. Some will be more demanding. Others will be happy with minimal talk.Some will only WANT minimal talk and you'll have to help them face deeper and painful realties. No one usually knows a child better than a loving parent.
3) The child's age has a lot to do with what you tell them. Even the older ones don't need gory details. One major problem I see is that we tend to pull kids into our camp to make them allies or confidantes. That is a form of 'using' them as objects to meet your emotional needs.
4) Your child has a right to love the other parent. I've heard women say, "Daddy broke our marriage", and "Daddy has the devil in him"..."We have to pray for Daddy". Children need to respect and love their parent. The minute we tell them that mom or dad is "bad", and that the child has to pray for him or her, this puts the child in a major dilemma: if they side with the one parent (say, Mom), and pray for Dad, they may likely feel disloyal to Dad. Or they will develop a haughty spirit (and disrespectful and disobedience attitude) toward the parent. Or they begin to pretend with Mom that they agree Dad is "bad", but when they are with Dad they just want to love him. Better to tell the child to ask God to bless EVERYONE In the family so that EVERYONE can love each other better.
5) The reasons for divorce can often be likened in a child's mind to a wide variety of physical illness they clearly understand. "Your mother and I always wanted to love each other and stay married. But something happened that was like a disease. It made us sick in our hearts and we had trouble doing what we needed to do. NEITHER of us wanted this, honey. But when diseases come along, even in the heart, they can change things."
or... "Remember when you broke your leg and couldn't make your bed and do your chores? I know you wanted to help out, but your body just would not work right! So your brother had to do all your work for you and sometimes he was mad at that. Sometimes in marriage something gets broken and doesn't work. We try to fix it, but maybe we can't get help. Sometimes the Mom or Dad gets upset and frustrated with the other person and the get mad or tired or they give up. But we don't give up on them. Things might change, but we still love them."
6) The reasons for annulment can also be explained with other life examples kids already know. Yo have to look around and think about this and see what your kids know. "What if we found a butterfly in a cocoon and opened it and tried to make him fly before he was ready? What would happen to him? He might try REALHARD for a long time to fly, but if he just wasn't strong enough, he'd fall to the ground and die. Sometimes people go to church and get married when they are not ready, Something inside them is not developed enough to help them get through the hard times of "flying" through life. They try REALLY HARD for a long time, but one day they finally give up. Maybe something inside of them dies. The church feels bad for them and everyone in the family. They take a good, hard look at how ready both people were. And sometimes they say , "You know what? We see that you guys tried REAL HARD but we found out that one of you (or both) came out of the cocoon too soon! So you never could have been able to "fly" through a long marriage. We love you both. We are here to help. And we want everyone in your family to still love each other."
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
What do you tell your children?
Dear Readers,
Fr. Joe and I have worked, as you know, for several years with those who have applied for a catholic church annulment. It is a difficult process, especially when dredging up difficult memories. Many are prepared to go on with their lives, and some are stranded with the past unresolved. One area that is always difficult for me is when it comes to the needs of the children of divorce.
I had a picture hanging up in my office at the tribunal. It was a picture of two young children, walking toward a river, holding hands - like brother and sister, gazing at the water. It always reminded me to ask the client the question: "And, what about the children.? How are they? Do they understand what is happening? Did you make it clear to them that they are not to blame for the failure of this marriage? What did you tell them about the annulment? Did you tell them? Are they old enough to understand?
And - I ask myself - are these the best questions to ask the petitioner, and what is the best way for parents of divorce and annulments to handle this with their children? I don't know. I was in my 20's when my parents divorced, and I only had the sense of relief when it finally happened. They were two people who were making each others' lives miserable, as well as the lives of their children. But, if I were younger, and still at home, how would I have wanted my parents to handle the situation? What would I want them to say to me, so that I can understand what is going on with them, and with me?
So, please - I would like your advice.
Did you tell your children about your annulment application? If so, what did you say? What advice can you give to others who are wondering how to handle the delicate situation of telling the children about your annulment application?
Advice and suggestions are welcome! Thank you
Sister Sandra
Fr. Joe and I have worked, as you know, for several years with those who have applied for a catholic church annulment. It is a difficult process, especially when dredging up difficult memories. Many are prepared to go on with their lives, and some are stranded with the past unresolved. One area that is always difficult for me is when it comes to the needs of the children of divorce.
I had a picture hanging up in my office at the tribunal. It was a picture of two young children, walking toward a river, holding hands - like brother and sister, gazing at the water. It always reminded me to ask the client the question: "And, what about the children.? How are they? Do they understand what is happening? Did you make it clear to them that they are not to blame for the failure of this marriage? What did you tell them about the annulment? Did you tell them? Are they old enough to understand?
And - I ask myself - are these the best questions to ask the petitioner, and what is the best way for parents of divorce and annulments to handle this with their children? I don't know. I was in my 20's when my parents divorced, and I only had the sense of relief when it finally happened. They were two people who were making each others' lives miserable, as well as the lives of their children. But, if I were younger, and still at home, how would I have wanted my parents to handle the situation? What would I want them to say to me, so that I can understand what is going on with them, and with me?
So, please - I would like your advice.
Did you tell your children about your annulment application? If so, what did you say? What advice can you give to others who are wondering how to handle the delicate situation of telling the children about your annulment application?
Advice and suggestions are welcome! Thank you
Sister Sandra
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