Though the annulment process is primarily a legal process in the Church, a person goes through it for his or her own spiritual and emotional well-being. The church lawyers can take care of the church legalities. However as you move through the annulment process take advantage of some resources that are available for your spiritual and emotional well-being.
Here are a couple of options:
Spiritual Healing… This is a great book on spiritual healing after a divorce and as you contemplate an annulment: "Catholic Annulment - Spiritual Healing," by Dennis and Kay Flowers. Check it out on Amazon.com
Emotional Healing… This is THE best selling book on Catholic annulments that not only gives you an understanding of how the process works, but also talks about how you can use the process to your advantage to emotionally heal from the pains of divorce: "Annulment – The Wedding That Was," by Michael Foster. Check it out on Amazon.com
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
What is happening to my case?
The tribunal investigation can take anywhere from 9 to 15 months on average. This is due to time frames built into the investigation, as well as your tribunal's caseload and the number of staff working at the tribunal. You may experience weeks or months of not hearing anything from the tribunal.
These delays can cause some people anxiety and concern. Some people wonder, what is going on with my case; is something wrong; is there something I should be doing? To alleviate any of your concerns while your case is underway at the tribunal don’t hesitate to check on its status.
If you have not heard from the tribunal within a four-week timeframe, I suggest checking on the status of your case. Following up once a month will help ease any anxiety or concerns you may have wondering what’s going on with your case.
Some tribunals will tell you up front whether they prefer telephone inquiries or written inquiries. If you telephone the tribunal, always have your case name and protocol number handy because the operator will ask for that information to check on your case file. Many tribunals are automated so that information pulls your case file up on the computer right away. If you write to the tribunal, include your case name and protocol number in every letter. This will prevent your letter from being misplaced.
But remember, do not hesitate or think that you are going to hurt your case by checking on its status. You should have a sense of what is going on with your case every month or so. The tribunal personnel are there to assist you, they do not want you to be anxious.
These delays can cause some people anxiety and concern. Some people wonder, what is going on with my case; is something wrong; is there something I should be doing? To alleviate any of your concerns while your case is underway at the tribunal don’t hesitate to check on its status.
If you have not heard from the tribunal within a four-week timeframe, I suggest checking on the status of your case. Following up once a month will help ease any anxiety or concerns you may have wondering what’s going on with your case.
Some tribunals will tell you up front whether they prefer telephone inquiries or written inquiries. If you telephone the tribunal, always have your case name and protocol number handy because the operator will ask for that information to check on your case file. Many tribunals are automated so that information pulls your case file up on the computer right away. If you write to the tribunal, include your case name and protocol number in every letter. This will prevent your letter from being misplaced.
But remember, do not hesitate or think that you are going to hurt your case by checking on its status. You should have a sense of what is going on with your case every month or so. The tribunal personnel are there to assist you, they do not want you to be anxious.
Friday, October 8, 2010
How Do I Find my Ex-spouse?
When applying for an annulment you will need to let the tribunal know where your former spouse presently lives.
If you do not know that information, here is a great resource. Please go to the website www.consentmakesmarriage.com .
On the left hand side of the homepage it states "How to Find My Ex-spouse" - and it lists almost all of the means available.
Letting your tribunal know that you have attempted to find your ex-spouse through these means will show that you have exhausted the potential sources and done everything possible to find your former spouse. It also shows good faith on your part.
Your search will help the tribunal decide that your former spouse is indeed unlocatable. In most instances once that decision is made your annulment application will move forward.
If you do not know that information, here is a great resource. Please go to the website www.consentmakesmarriage.com .
On the left hand side of the homepage it states "How to Find My Ex-spouse" - and it lists almost all of the means available.
Letting your tribunal know that you have attempted to find your ex-spouse through these means will show that you have exhausted the potential sources and done everything possible to find your former spouse. It also shows good faith on your part.
Your search will help the tribunal decide that your former spouse is indeed unlocatable. In most instances once that decision is made your annulment application will move forward.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Where do I apply for church annulment?
You really have 4 options. Almost every diocese in the United States has a tribunal – which is a church court – that accepts annulment applications.
You can apply to the tribunal in the diocese:
1. Where you were married
2. Where your ex-spouse now lives
3. Where you now live [for this option your ex-spouse must live in the United States]
4. The diocese where the “majority” of the case testimonies will be coming from – yours, your ex-spouse' and 3 to 5 witnesses [for this option your ex-spouse must live in the United States]
Most people choose to apply to either option 1, 2 or 3.
I suggest going online to look at the tribunal's application papers to decide which option is best for you. If the tribunal does not have its annulment application online, you can call the marriage tribunal and ask them to send you the paperwork.
Once you see what the individual tribunals are asking for up front YOU are in a better position to make a choice.
You can apply to the tribunal in the diocese:
1. Where you were married
2. Where your ex-spouse now lives
3. Where you now live [for this option your ex-spouse must live in the United States]
4. The diocese where the “majority” of the case testimonies will be coming from – yours, your ex-spouse' and 3 to 5 witnesses [for this option your ex-spouse must live in the United States]
Most people choose to apply to either option 1, 2 or 3.
I suggest going online to look at the tribunal's application papers to decide which option is best for you. If the tribunal does not have its annulment application online, you can call the marriage tribunal and ask them to send you the paperwork.
Once you see what the individual tribunals are asking for up front YOU are in a better position to make a choice.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Two non-Catholics marry and divorce…
Question:
I have been Catholic all my life, never married, and I am engaged to be married to a man who is a non-catholic. He was married before in a civil ceramony in Las Vegas three years ago, but he is now divorced. We are interested in getting married in a Catholic Church. What will he need to do in order for us to be married in the Catholic Church?
Answer:
If the non-Catholic man you are engaged to was married to a non-Catholic woman – even if it was just in a civil ceremony – their marriage in Las Vegas is presumed to be valid in the eyes of the Catholic Church. [This presumes that neither person had been previously married and divorced before the Las Vegas wedding.]
He would need to apply for a Catholic church annulment. If the annulment is granted, he would be free to marry you in the Catholic Church.
I would suggest that you go talk to your parish priest. Have your fiance go with you and he should bring his marriage certificate and divorce papers. The priest will then advise you as to what to do next.
Sr. Sandra
I have been Catholic all my life, never married, and I am engaged to be married to a man who is a non-catholic. He was married before in a civil ceramony in Las Vegas three years ago, but he is now divorced. We are interested in getting married in a Catholic Church. What will he need to do in order for us to be married in the Catholic Church?
Answer:
If the non-Catholic man you are engaged to was married to a non-Catholic woman – even if it was just in a civil ceremony – their marriage in Las Vegas is presumed to be valid in the eyes of the Catholic Church. [This presumes that neither person had been previously married and divorced before the Las Vegas wedding.]
He would need to apply for a Catholic church annulment. If the annulment is granted, he would be free to marry you in the Catholic Church.
I would suggest that you go talk to your parish priest. Have your fiance go with you and he should bring his marriage certificate and divorce papers. The priest will then advise you as to what to do next.
Sr. Sandra
Thursday, March 18, 2010
You are a child of God!
I was recently asked:
I hope you can help me. Thank you in advance
I married a man in 1992 who was Catholic. I was/am also Catholic.
For various reasons we were not married in the church. We married in a civil wedding ceremony.
Turns out he was an extremely violent man, which I should have picked up on before we married. Anyway....
We had one child and divorced in 1994.
After being a divorced mom for 8 years I remarried a wonderful Protestant man in 2002. We had another child and both children have been raised within the church. I do not take Holy Communion, because of my divorce and remarriage outside the church and it is killing me.
I feel filthy every time I walk into a church. Is there any way for me to get right with the church again?
I responded:
Since you were baptized Catholic at the time of your first marriage - and you chose not to bring that marriage to the church - your civil wedding is not recognized in church law. So you are not bound to it.
However because the wedding took place you need to show it was never later validated - some people say "blest" - in the church. So all you need to do is to go to your local parish and bring with you:
1. your baptismal certificate (call the church where you were baptized as you need a recent copy),
2. your wedding certificate
3. and, your divorce papers
These documents will show you are free to marry in the church.
Assuming your present husband was not married prior to marrying you - then, you are both free to marry in the Catholic Church.
Please don't delay this because it will, most likely, bring you a great deal of peace of mind,
And, know that God never considers you "filthy" - you are God's child - God cares and loves you very much!
I hope you can help me. Thank you in advance
I married a man in 1992 who was Catholic. I was/am also Catholic.
For various reasons we were not married in the church. We married in a civil wedding ceremony.
Turns out he was an extremely violent man, which I should have picked up on before we married. Anyway....
We had one child and divorced in 1994.
After being a divorced mom for 8 years I remarried a wonderful Protestant man in 2002. We had another child and both children have been raised within the church. I do not take Holy Communion, because of my divorce and remarriage outside the church and it is killing me.
I feel filthy every time I walk into a church. Is there any way for me to get right with the church again?
I responded:
Since you were baptized Catholic at the time of your first marriage - and you chose not to bring that marriage to the church - your civil wedding is not recognized in church law. So you are not bound to it.
However because the wedding took place you need to show it was never later validated - some people say "blest" - in the church. So all you need to do is to go to your local parish and bring with you:
1. your baptismal certificate (call the church where you were baptized as you need a recent copy),
2. your wedding certificate
3. and, your divorce papers
These documents will show you are free to marry in the church.
Assuming your present husband was not married prior to marrying you - then, you are both free to marry in the Catholic Church.
Please don't delay this because it will, most likely, bring you a great deal of peace of mind,
And, know that God never considers you "filthy" - you are God's child - God cares and loves you very much!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Why is forgiveness so important?
Commenting on the earlier post on how to forgive my ex-spouse, a reader offers these reflections:
Reader say:
"If just one person can find the peace I found from forgiveness, then I will be passing on the blessing I had.
I was in a marriage for over 20 years. I do not think my spouse was ever capable of loving anyone and did not really love me. During most of the marriage I was a victim of verbal abuse. When we argued I spoke in a normal tone, she screamed. Nothing I ever did was right.I am going to be applying for an annulment with Sr Sandra s help since in my heart I believe we lived together but were never married.
This funny and tragic story sums it up.
A couple has been married for over 25 years. A husband comes down to the kitchen for breakfast and asks his wife for one fired egg and one scrambled egg. She gladly makes toast, coffee, bacon, and one scrambled egg and one fried egg, each on a different plate.
When she serves this mini feast he screams “Damn it can t you do anything right?” Baffled she says” what could be wrong?” and he screams “YOU FRIED THE WRONG EGG!!!” That one sentence describes my “marriage”.
When my ex wife filed for divorce two years ago I agreed because I just could not take anymore and thought our children were old enough. I always asked myself as did my late father What Did I do wrong. I was a good provider, had no vices, loved her and so on. I recently read a bible passage that in essence there are some things in life that you will never understand why and God just wants you to accept and move on. That is what I have done.
One month after the divorce was final I went to my pastor. We sat in his office and I said “Monsignor I do not know now nor will I ever know what I did wrong but I ask God to forgive me” Then I added “I forgive her unconditionally for what happened and anything that happens in the future.”
When you forgive in this situation you do it much more for yourself then the person you are forgiving. As the story about the men at the memorial, without forgiving, the veteran was still a prisoner.
Until you forgive, you are a prisoner of your ex spouse. In some way they control your feelings. But when you forgive, it frees you of their control of you. You feel a tremendous burden has been lifted and you can move on with your life.
I have tried to maintain a civil relationship with my ex spouse for the sake of our two teenage children. She wants no part it .Recently in an email she asked that we know longer speak to each other unless it is an emergency concerning the children. She only wants to communicate by email.
So here is the most important lesson about forgiving your former spouse. When you forgive, you do it to bring you peace, and no longer have them control your emotions.
Forgiveness does not mean you now have to like your ex spouse. We are human and have extremely strong emotions about someone who abused you for so long. Nor do you have to communicate with them. I tried because of the children, but have accepted her terms to avoid conflict that will affect the children.
Forgiveness does not have to or may not come quickly. Someone I befriended a year ago, was divorced and really needed someone to talk to. One of the first things I recommended is for her to forgive her ex spouse. She said she never could. I said you need to try, and she asked if I would help her. I promised I would. After almost one year, she emailed me telling me “I did it. I forgave him and what a tremendous burden has been lifted.” She thanked me for my wisdom and kind words and I told her I was just an instrument of God s peace. He put the words in my heart and I said them.
So please pray that someday you can forgive. But do not do it expecting forgiveness from your former spouse. That may never happen and that is alright. You forgave- you have an inner peace that frees you as you move on to the next phase of your life.
Prayers and blessings."
Reader say:
"If just one person can find the peace I found from forgiveness, then I will be passing on the blessing I had.
I was in a marriage for over 20 years. I do not think my spouse was ever capable of loving anyone and did not really love me. During most of the marriage I was a victim of verbal abuse. When we argued I spoke in a normal tone, she screamed. Nothing I ever did was right.I am going to be applying for an annulment with Sr Sandra s help since in my heart I believe we lived together but were never married.
This funny and tragic story sums it up.
A couple has been married for over 25 years. A husband comes down to the kitchen for breakfast and asks his wife for one fired egg and one scrambled egg. She gladly makes toast, coffee, bacon, and one scrambled egg and one fried egg, each on a different plate.
When she serves this mini feast he screams “Damn it can t you do anything right?” Baffled she says” what could be wrong?” and he screams “YOU FRIED THE WRONG EGG!!!” That one sentence describes my “marriage”.
When my ex wife filed for divorce two years ago I agreed because I just could not take anymore and thought our children were old enough. I always asked myself as did my late father What Did I do wrong. I was a good provider, had no vices, loved her and so on. I recently read a bible passage that in essence there are some things in life that you will never understand why and God just wants you to accept and move on. That is what I have done.
One month after the divorce was final I went to my pastor. We sat in his office and I said “Monsignor I do not know now nor will I ever know what I did wrong but I ask God to forgive me” Then I added “I forgive her unconditionally for what happened and anything that happens in the future.”
When you forgive in this situation you do it much more for yourself then the person you are forgiving. As the story about the men at the memorial, without forgiving, the veteran was still a prisoner.
Until you forgive, you are a prisoner of your ex spouse. In some way they control your feelings. But when you forgive, it frees you of their control of you. You feel a tremendous burden has been lifted and you can move on with your life.
I have tried to maintain a civil relationship with my ex spouse for the sake of our two teenage children. She wants no part it .Recently in an email she asked that we know longer speak to each other unless it is an emergency concerning the children. She only wants to communicate by email.
So here is the most important lesson about forgiving your former spouse. When you forgive, you do it to bring you peace, and no longer have them control your emotions.
Forgiveness does not mean you now have to like your ex spouse. We are human and have extremely strong emotions about someone who abused you for so long. Nor do you have to communicate with them. I tried because of the children, but have accepted her terms to avoid conflict that will affect the children.
Forgiveness does not have to or may not come quickly. Someone I befriended a year ago, was divorced and really needed someone to talk to. One of the first things I recommended is for her to forgive her ex spouse. She said she never could. I said you need to try, and she asked if I would help her. I promised I would. After almost one year, she emailed me telling me “I did it. I forgave him and what a tremendous burden has been lifted.” She thanked me for my wisdom and kind words and I told her I was just an instrument of God s peace. He put the words in my heart and I said them.
So please pray that someday you can forgive. But do not do it expecting forgiveness from your former spouse. That may never happen and that is alright. You forgave- you have an inner peace that frees you as you move on to the next phase of your life.
Prayers and blessings."
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