Rose Sweet offers this advice about what to tell the children - a question asked in this blog
I've been working as an Advocate for our Tribunal in the local diocese (Riverside San Bernardino CA) and think I can offer some insight to your question about how to talk to the kids.
1) You can't clearly tell the kids anything you don't understand yourself first. Do you really know what happened and understand how you got here? Not finger pointing. This may take a long time to figure out, and counseling. The adequate (digging very deeply and honestly) and thorough preparation of the Petition should be a way to gain some insight, too.
2) Each of your children has a different temperament that needs to be considered when you talk to them. Spiritual directors for centuries have advised a good understanding of the way people (little people too) think and respond to life. Some will be more demanding. Others will be happy with minimal talk.Some will only WANT minimal talk and you'll have to help them face deeper and painful realties. No one usually knows a child better than a loving parent.
3) The child's age has a lot to do with what you tell them. Even the older ones don't need gory details. One major problem I see is that we tend to pull kids into our camp to make them allies or confidantes. That is a form of 'using' them as objects to meet your emotional needs.
4) Your child has a right to love the other parent. I've heard women say, "Daddy broke our marriage", and "Daddy has the devil in him"..."We have to pray for Daddy". Children need to respect and love their parent. The minute we tell them that mom or dad is "bad", and that the child has to pray for him or her, this puts the child in a major dilemma: if they side with the one parent (say, Mom), and pray for Dad, they may likely feel disloyal to Dad. Or they will develop a haughty spirit (and disrespectful and disobedience attitude) toward the parent. Or they begin to pretend with Mom that they agree Dad is "bad", but when they are with Dad they just want to love him. Better to tell the child to ask God to bless EVERYONE In the family so that EVERYONE can love each other better.
5) The reasons for divorce can often be likened in a child's mind to a wide variety of physical illness they clearly understand. "Your mother and I always wanted to love each other and stay married. But something happened that was like a disease. It made us sick in our hearts and we had trouble doing what we needed to do. NEITHER of us wanted this, honey. But when diseases come along, even in the heart, they can change things."
or... "Remember when you broke your leg and couldn't make your bed and do your chores? I know you wanted to help out, but your body just would not work right! So your brother had to do all your work for you and sometimes he was mad at that. Sometimes in marriage something gets broken and doesn't work. We try to fix it, but maybe we can't get help. Sometimes the Mom or Dad gets upset and frustrated with the other person and the get mad or tired or they give up. But we don't give up on them. Things might change, but we still love them."
6) The reasons for annulment can also be explained with other life examples kids already know. Yo have to look around and think about this and see what your kids know. "What if we found a butterfly in a cocoon and opened it and tried to make him fly before he was ready? What would happen to him? He might try REALHARD for a long time to fly, but if he just wasn't strong enough, he'd fall to the ground and die. Sometimes people go to church and get married when they are not ready, Something inside them is not developed enough to help them get through the hard times of "flying" through life. They try REALLY HARD for a long time, but one day they finally give up. Maybe something inside of them dies. The church feels bad for them and everyone in the family. They take a good, hard look at how ready both people were. And sometimes they say , "You know what? We see that you guys tried REAL HARD but we found out that one of you (or both) came out of the cocoon too soon! So you never could have been able to "fly" through a long marriage. We love you both. We are here to help. And we want everyone in your family to still love each other."
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
What do you tell your children?
Dear Readers,
Fr. Joe and I have worked, as you know, for several years with those who have applied for a catholic church annulment. It is a difficult process, especially when dredging up difficult memories. Many are prepared to go on with their lives, and some are stranded with the past unresolved. One area that is always difficult for me is when it comes to the needs of the children of divorce.
I had a picture hanging up in my office at the tribunal. It was a picture of two young children, walking toward a river, holding hands - like brother and sister, gazing at the water. It always reminded me to ask the client the question: "And, what about the children.? How are they? Do they understand what is happening? Did you make it clear to them that they are not to blame for the failure of this marriage? What did you tell them about the annulment? Did you tell them? Are they old enough to understand?
And - I ask myself - are these the best questions to ask the petitioner, and what is the best way for parents of divorce and annulments to handle this with their children? I don't know. I was in my 20's when my parents divorced, and I only had the sense of relief when it finally happened. They were two people who were making each others' lives miserable, as well as the lives of their children. But, if I were younger, and still at home, how would I have wanted my parents to handle the situation? What would I want them to say to me, so that I can understand what is going on with them, and with me?
So, please - I would like your advice.
Did you tell your children about your annulment application? If so, what did you say? What advice can you give to others who are wondering how to handle the delicate situation of telling the children about your annulment application?
Advice and suggestions are welcome! Thank you
Sister Sandra
Fr. Joe and I have worked, as you know, for several years with those who have applied for a catholic church annulment. It is a difficult process, especially when dredging up difficult memories. Many are prepared to go on with their lives, and some are stranded with the past unresolved. One area that is always difficult for me is when it comes to the needs of the children of divorce.
I had a picture hanging up in my office at the tribunal. It was a picture of two young children, walking toward a river, holding hands - like brother and sister, gazing at the water. It always reminded me to ask the client the question: "And, what about the children.? How are they? Do they understand what is happening? Did you make it clear to them that they are not to blame for the failure of this marriage? What did you tell them about the annulment? Did you tell them? Are they old enough to understand?
And - I ask myself - are these the best questions to ask the petitioner, and what is the best way for parents of divorce and annulments to handle this with their children? I don't know. I was in my 20's when my parents divorced, and I only had the sense of relief when it finally happened. They were two people who were making each others' lives miserable, as well as the lives of their children. But, if I were younger, and still at home, how would I have wanted my parents to handle the situation? What would I want them to say to me, so that I can understand what is going on with them, and with me?
So, please - I would like your advice.
Did you tell your children about your annulment application? If so, what did you say? What advice can you give to others who are wondering how to handle the delicate situation of telling the children about your annulment application?
Advice and suggestions are welcome! Thank you
Sister Sandra
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
What if my ex-spouse was abusive?
Judy asks the question:
Does the church make any exception if the petitioner was in an abusive marriage? The ex-spouse has been "dormant" and there is a desire to "let sleeping dogs lie."
Thanks.
Dear Judy:
ANSWER:
Yes, your ex-spouse does need to be contacted. If he isn't, the case could be declared invalid because the rights of the ex-spouse were not protected. I understand about "letting sleeping dogs lie" - however, I have met many petitioner’s who felt the way you did, and in the end, there were no negative repercussions in contacting the ex-spouse.
You do not have to contact the ex-spouse- you simply have to provide an address for the ex-spouse to be contacted. The Tribunal does the contacting.
I know of two tribunals who decided to 'make exceptions' and wave the rights of the respondent and did not contact him (in both cases the ex-spouse was the husband). They made the exception because of the petitioner’s continued fear of her ex-husband and any reprisals he might make. So – the Tribunal, wanting to make it the situation less fearful for the petitioner, decided to assign a guardian to represent the ex-spouse throughout the process - and never contacted the ex-spouse.
The petitioner felt quite relieved - however, in the end, the Appeals Court overturned the affirmative decision of the first court because they stated that the rights of the ex-spouse had been denied.
The case then went to Rome and Rome agreed with the Appeal Court. So, in the long run, it only turned out worse for the petitioner.
I hope this explanation helps.
Does the church make any exception if the petitioner was in an abusive marriage? The ex-spouse has been "dormant" and there is a desire to "let sleeping dogs lie."
Thanks.
Dear Judy:
ANSWER:
Yes, your ex-spouse does need to be contacted. If he isn't, the case could be declared invalid because the rights of the ex-spouse were not protected. I understand about "letting sleeping dogs lie" - however, I have met many petitioner’s who felt the way you did, and in the end, there were no negative repercussions in contacting the ex-spouse.
You do not have to contact the ex-spouse- you simply have to provide an address for the ex-spouse to be contacted. The Tribunal does the contacting.
I know of two tribunals who decided to 'make exceptions' and wave the rights of the respondent and did not contact him (in both cases the ex-spouse was the husband). They made the exception because of the petitioner’s continued fear of her ex-husband and any reprisals he might make. So – the Tribunal, wanting to make it the situation less fearful for the petitioner, decided to assign a guardian to represent the ex-spouse throughout the process - and never contacted the ex-spouse.
The petitioner felt quite relieved - however, in the end, the Appeals Court overturned the affirmative decision of the first court because they stated that the rights of the ex-spouse had been denied.
The case then went to Rome and Rome agreed with the Appeal Court. So, in the long run, it only turned out worse for the petitioner.
I hope this explanation helps.
I was divorced and remarried, and then my ex spouse died – now what?
At times it may be helpful for readers if I share some of the many email questions I receive through this blog.
Here is a recent one:
My husband and I are mid-60's. We have been married 40 years and were married by a Justice of the Peace. We both were divorced at that time, no children. Neither of us wanted the divorces.
My ex husband was homosexual and my husband's ex wife suffered from a serious mental illness. They both wanted out of the marriage for these reasons. Sadly, both of these previous spouses have since died.
We have never been Catholics, but now we are about to begin the classes to become Catholic. We have one grown child from our marriage. Our questions are:
QUESTION:
If we are confirmed in the Catholic faith, can we then take Holy Communion in view of these past marriages, divorces, and deaths of previous spouses? If not, what can be done to remove this roadblock?
ANSWER:
The answer to the questions is that since you are both widowed neither of you needs a church annulment. The death of a spouse ends the legal union of husband and wife. So you are both presently free to marry in the Church.
As you work with your parish priest/associate for entering into the Catholic Church, simply inform them of your previous unions. They may/may not need to submit copies of your former marriage licenses and the death notices of your former spouses to the tribunal or chancery for church confirmation. But that is just a matter of paperwork.
The good news for you is there is nothing to block the way of having your present civil marriage blessed in the Church.
Here is a recent one:
My husband and I are mid-60's. We have been married 40 years and were married by a Justice of the Peace. We both were divorced at that time, no children. Neither of us wanted the divorces.
My ex husband was homosexual and my husband's ex wife suffered from a serious mental illness. They both wanted out of the marriage for these reasons. Sadly, both of these previous spouses have since died.
We have never been Catholics, but now we are about to begin the classes to become Catholic. We have one grown child from our marriage. Our questions are:
QUESTION:
If we are confirmed in the Catholic faith, can we then take Holy Communion in view of these past marriages, divorces, and deaths of previous spouses? If not, what can be done to remove this roadblock?
ANSWER:
The answer to the questions is that since you are both widowed neither of you needs a church annulment. The death of a spouse ends the legal union of husband and wife. So you are both presently free to marry in the Church.
As you work with your parish priest/associate for entering into the Catholic Church, simply inform them of your previous unions. They may/may not need to submit copies of your former marriage licenses and the death notices of your former spouses to the tribunal or chancery for church confirmation. But that is just a matter of paperwork.
The good news for you is there is nothing to block the way of having your present civil marriage blessed in the Church.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Will I ever be able to forgive my ex-spouse?
Many people ask me: “Do I need to have any contact with my ex-spouse?” There are various reasons for this question. Many people applying for a church annulment would prefer not to have any contact with their former spouse. They may not have separated under the best of circumstances, and the less they have to do with their ex-spouse the better. The answer to the question is no, you do not have to have any contact with your ex-spouse. However, the tribunal will be asking you for an address of your ex-spouse so that he/she can be contacted and given an opportunity to respond. However, it is the tribunal that does the contacting, not you.
But, going back to the original question that often is asked: ‘Do I need to have contact with my ex-spouse.’ Many say, under their breath: ‘I never want to see, hear, or speak to him/her again. I never want to be in the same room with him/her again.’ It may take a long time before you can rest with the thought of ever seeing or hearing from your ex-spouse again, and even longer, before you enter into any spirit of forgiveness - which leads me to the question:
-Have you been able to forgive your ex-spouse?
Forgiveness is a very difficult action to perform. It is an interior action which involves many levels of emotions.
I just spent two months in Rwanda, a country that experienced the genocide of one million people, and the homelessness of two million people – one tribe slaughtering another. They now live side by side with one another – killer with survivor – learning how to forgive. I don’t know how it is done. But, if they can do it, Rwanda can become a nation that can be known for its radical forgiveness.
We certainly live in a world, desperately in need of learning how to forgive. We live in a violent world. Fear of terrorist attacks, racial tensions, and school shootings, fill our landscapes. We struggle with broken marriages, and broken relationships. Bishop Desmond Tutu, in a book entitled "No future without Forgiveness" describes a picture of three U.S. servicemen standing in front of the Vietnam memorial in Washington, D.C. One asks, “Have you forgiven those who held you prisoner of war?” ‘I will never forgive them,’ replies the other. His mate says, ‘Then, it is certain they still have you in prison, don’t they?’
Perhaps it is too soon for you to think about forgiveness. Or, perhaps you are busy working on how to even begin to forgive yourself. In either case, forgiveness is an important part of the healing process. If you can’t forgive, it will be difficult to take the next step, which is to begin the long process of healing.
In this annulment process, if you haven’t yet forgiven your ex-spouse, please begin to at least think about asking God to help you to begin this long, painful, yet rewarding journey of healing, which can only take place once forgiveness has been resolved within you.
Do you have stories of forgiveness that can be helpful? Please offer them as a way to help those dealing with this difficult part of the journey.
But, going back to the original question that often is asked: ‘Do I need to have contact with my ex-spouse.’ Many say, under their breath: ‘I never want to see, hear, or speak to him/her again. I never want to be in the same room with him/her again.’ It may take a long time before you can rest with the thought of ever seeing or hearing from your ex-spouse again, and even longer, before you enter into any spirit of forgiveness - which leads me to the question:
-Have you been able to forgive your ex-spouse?
Forgiveness is a very difficult action to perform. It is an interior action which involves many levels of emotions.
I just spent two months in Rwanda, a country that experienced the genocide of one million people, and the homelessness of two million people – one tribe slaughtering another. They now live side by side with one another – killer with survivor – learning how to forgive. I don’t know how it is done. But, if they can do it, Rwanda can become a nation that can be known for its radical forgiveness.
We certainly live in a world, desperately in need of learning how to forgive. We live in a violent world. Fear of terrorist attacks, racial tensions, and school shootings, fill our landscapes. We struggle with broken marriages, and broken relationships. Bishop Desmond Tutu, in a book entitled "No future without Forgiveness" describes a picture of three U.S. servicemen standing in front of the Vietnam memorial in Washington, D.C. One asks, “Have you forgiven those who held you prisoner of war?” ‘I will never forgive them,’ replies the other. His mate says, ‘Then, it is certain they still have you in prison, don’t they?’
Perhaps it is too soon for you to think about forgiveness. Or, perhaps you are busy working on how to even begin to forgive yourself. In either case, forgiveness is an important part of the healing process. If you can’t forgive, it will be difficult to take the next step, which is to begin the long process of healing.
In this annulment process, if you haven’t yet forgiven your ex-spouse, please begin to at least think about asking God to help you to begin this long, painful, yet rewarding journey of healing, which can only take place once forgiveness has been resolved within you.
Do you have stories of forgiveness that can be helpful? Please offer them as a way to help those dealing with this difficult part of the journey.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
The Annulment Process - Where is God?
God is revealed through our life experiences. Sometimes this is difficult to comprehend. Our sense is that some life experiences, such as death, grief, suffering, divorce, are better left in the past and forgotten. How can such suffering reveal the face of God? This question often leads us to ask the number one question on people's minds today, which is, does God cause this suffering, and if so, why? The Hebrew Scriptures often reveal a God of punishment and revenge - a God who punishes the sinner, and seeks revenge against the evil-doers.
However, Jesus, in the New Testament, reveals to us another face of God. Jesus shows us a God who loves us no matter what, and does not send us suffering, but helps to redeem it and learn from it. God wishes us to learn from our suffering and to find meaning through the pain, and thus, pass on what we have learned to others who need healing and compassion. Only then, can we truly experience healing and forgiveness.
What does this have to do with a church annulment? For many people, the church annulment process is simply seen as "going through the hoops" in order to re-marry in the Catholic church - In other words - " fill out the forms, get it done and over with and go on with life." That certainly is one way of approaching the catholic church annulment process. However, there is another way.
Writing your autobiography - examining your past, your courtship, and your marriage- as painful as it is, can be an experience of healing. During my 21 years experience in a Tribunal I have listened to many people's life stories, and it is through the telling of their stories- sometimes for the first time - that they finally understand where God was in all of their painful past. Only then, are they liberated from their pain, and only then can they face their future with a new-found freedom and grace.
So - I present you with a challenge:
- Can you approach this annulment process with confidence, knowing that God is with you through it all?
- Can you approach this process with a positive attitude, knowing that God will not abandon you on your journey?
- Can you ask yourself, what am I willing to learn about myself ? Am I willing to believe in a God of compassion and forgiveness?
Then, in a spirit of peace, am I willing to face the future with confidence, assured of God's bountiful grace?
May God be with you.
However, Jesus, in the New Testament, reveals to us another face of God. Jesus shows us a God who loves us no matter what, and does not send us suffering, but helps to redeem it and learn from it. God wishes us to learn from our suffering and to find meaning through the pain, and thus, pass on what we have learned to others who need healing and compassion. Only then, can we truly experience healing and forgiveness.
What does this have to do with a church annulment? For many people, the church annulment process is simply seen as "going through the hoops" in order to re-marry in the Catholic church - In other words - " fill out the forms, get it done and over with and go on with life." That certainly is one way of approaching the catholic church annulment process. However, there is another way.
Writing your autobiography - examining your past, your courtship, and your marriage- as painful as it is, can be an experience of healing. During my 21 years experience in a Tribunal I have listened to many people's life stories, and it is through the telling of their stories- sometimes for the first time - that they finally understand where God was in all of their painful past. Only then, are they liberated from their pain, and only then can they face their future with a new-found freedom and grace.
So - I present you with a challenge:
- Can you approach this annulment process with confidence, knowing that God is with you through it all?
- Can you approach this process with a positive attitude, knowing that God will not abandon you on your journey?
- Can you ask yourself, what am I willing to learn about myself ? Am I willing to believe in a God of compassion and forgiveness?
Then, in a spirit of peace, am I willing to face the future with confidence, assured of God's bountiful grace?
May God be with you.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Who can apply for a Catholic annulment?
Any divorced person –Catholic or non-Catholic– can request an annulment from the Catholic Church. It's estimated that at least 25% of Catholic annulments in the U.S. are for non Catholic marriages. In addition those individuals who petition are almost equally divided between men and women.
More often than not, individuals seek an annulment so they can remarry in the Catholic Church. In the same way a person seeks a divorce so they can remarry in the State.
However other times individuals request a Catholic annulment just so the Church will no longer consider them married to their ex-spouse.
More often than not, individuals seek an annulment so they can remarry in the Catholic Church. In the same way a person seeks a divorce so they can remarry in the State.
However other times individuals request a Catholic annulment just so the Church will no longer consider them married to their ex-spouse.
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